Ain’t I A Woman?

Angela Montez, the woman who prayed with the robber of the check cashing store she was working at, was on Oprah last Friday. One of the first things she said was that she begged him not to kill her because she had kids and grandkids. Jesus! I’m glad I wasn’t working the window next to her that day. I could just picture her using me as a human shield and screaming, “Shoot her not me! All she’s got is two lousy cats!” Now I know she didn’t mean for her remarks to be offensive but a lot of mothers seem to have that subtle prejudice against childless women, especially if they choose to be that way.

I know that since I possess the right equipment for birthing a baby I’m also supposed to have an innate “maternal” instinct, but mine’s been missing in action for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are of lavishing love and attention on the various stuffed animals that I slept with every night while ignoring the big plastic baby dolls collecting dust on the closet floor. And for all those people who say you can’t really experience love or be a complete woman until you’ve experienced the birth of a child, you can kiss my ass! I care a hell of a lot more about kids than all those so-called “complete” women who end up abusing and neglecting their offspring.

Parenthood is one of the most demanding jobs in existence and just because I’m not temperamentally suited to it doesn’t make me a bad person. I'm not really suited for being a truck driver either but nobody looks down on me because of it. I'd much rather have my tax dollars go for schools and other programs for kids right here at home instead of shipping it overseas to fight not one, but two wars that we never should have started in the first place. The thing is, I really do love kids... For an hour or two. Then it's time to go back home. That's why I made the decision to be a good aunt, not a lousy mother.

It’s Not Your Father’s Bong Water

Am I the only idiot who didn’t know you could smoke crystal meth in a bong? According to a recent Minnesota Supreme Court decision involving a woman whose bong tested positive for methamphetamine, bong water can now be considered a drug because sometimes people keep it to drink or inject later. Drink or inject bong water?!? When I was a kid we smoked pot from a bong and the only way anyone would drink the water was on a dare. Because of my needle phobia, the thought of shooting up anything never even crossed my mind.

My drug experimentation phase went pretty much from the tail end of Quaaludes to the beginning of Crack. I tried the former and missed out on the latter but at least I was familiar with how it was used. I knew I was officially old when I found out what a blunt was from the local paper. I could just picture myself as one of those adults saying, “You kids today, snorting your goddamn blunts.” I smoked marijuana off a can, through a toilet paper roll and even from a homemade chicken claw pipe but smoking it in a cigar was news to me.

And why are we coming up with new drugs to outlaw when we should be decriminalizing some of the ones we already have? Marijuana is arguably less harmful than our current legal recreational drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, but we’re still wasting billions of dollars every prosecuting “criminals” who use the same substance that the last three presidents admit experimenting with in their youth. From what I’ve seen, the biggest drug problem today is the pharmaceutical industry pushing their products on TV and in magazines. Kids don’t have to visit their local dealer anymore. They just open up their parent’s medicine cabinet. And if someone’s so hard up that they’re actually shooting bong water in their veins, I think that’s punishment enough.

The Gospel of Greed

I may have walked away from organized religion but when New Age gurus are mentioned, I run. The fact that three apparently healthy adults have died in the aftermath of a “Spiritual Warrior” sweat lodge ceremony in Sedona this month just reinforces that reaction. The guru in this case was James Arthur Ray, a man who combined prosperity gospel, astrology, numerology and Native American teachings into a multi-million dollar business. They still haven’t released an official cause of death for his victims but I already know what it is… Greed.

If Ray had done even a cursory search of traditional sweat lodge ceremonies then he had to have been aware that they use natural materials and limit participants to 10 or 12 people tops. This son of a bitch charged almost $10,000 a pop to cram over 60 people under a plastic tarp,. What the fuck?!? You tell me what explanation there is for endangering people’s lives just to save a few bucks on material and personnel other than greed. The subtitle of his best-selling book, Harmonic Wealth, is The Secret of Attracting the Life You Want. I guess the secret is to exploit as many spiritual seekers as possible for your own gain.

I have to admit, I enjoy some New Age games like astrology or numerology but that’s all they are, games. Playing with Tarot cards isn’t that different from Crazy Eights to me. I did take my parents to one of the vortexes in Sedona not long after I moved to Arizona to see if we could feel the spiritual energy. The car door handle shocked the shit out of me and Mom said she was feeling gassy but other than that, it was pretty much a bust. After seeing what happens to people who actually give a shit about these New Age theologies, I'm glad me and my family were just farting around.

This Should Keep Us All Not Thinking

Photo credit: gracey from morguefile.com
The title of the video making the rounds on Facebook and YouTube is This Should Keep Us All Thinking but I think This Should Keep Us All Not Thinking would be more appropriate. Most of the “facts” in this video seemed highly suspect and a two second internet search pulled up numerous articles debunking this urban legend.

http://www.examiner.com/x-7975-Nashville-Adventures-Examiner~y2009m9d2-The-USC-atheist-professor--martyrs-chalk-up-this-truth

It seems some variation of the atheist professor and the brave Christian story has been circulating almost as long as I’ve been alive.

I had a hard enough time believing that any college would have a required course devoted to proving that God doesn’t exist but the fact that this professor had convinced twenty years worth of students by dropping a piece of chalk was too much for me to take. What the hell does breaking chalk prove? With all the fucked up things going on in this world, why would God give a shit about a piece of chalk? This doesn’t sound like impeccable logic to me. But the Christian student doesn’t try to argue. He relies on blind faith and waits for God to prove his existence. And the supposedly intelligent professor agrees with the student that just because the dropped chalk doesn’t break, it must be the hand of God at work.

What this keeps me thinking is that sometimes shit breaks when you drop it and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not seeing a rational argument for either side in this parable.But that's my problem. I'm actually thinking and that doesn't seem to be something most religions encourage. I'm still open to the possibility that there might be some sort of spiritual world out there, hence the agnostic part of my blog name, but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a piece of chalk to convince me to worship the cruel, vengeful, bitter God that I've read about in the Bible.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

Photo credit: kconnors from morguefile.com

I’m all for saving the environment, but is that extra ounce of liquid in my bladder really going to make that much difference? Apparently All Nippon Airways thinks so. http://www.mnn.com/transportation/planes-trains-bikes/stories/pee-before-you-fly-policy-reduces-carbon-emissions They are actually going to have ‘loo attendants’ standing by the gate to ask if you have to go one more time before you get on the plane. The theory is that since passengers will weigh less, there will be less carbon emissions. My mom used to do the same thing on our family car trips to Florida, albeit for a different reason.

My dad had an ironclad rule about stopping. It had to be for food, gas or sleep, or some combo of the three. Bathroom breaks were to be taken care of during those times and no other. Well, sorry, but when I was 4 or 5, my bladder was the size of a pea, so at some point during the journey Dad would slam on the brakes, whip the car over to the side of I-65 and then throw open the passenger doors so I could squat in between and pee all over the back of my socks. And if Mom wasn’t always talking about going to the bathroom, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about it.

It was the same way the one time I went deep-sea fishing. The captain showed us all the bucket that we’d have to use if we couldn’t make it the full four hours and before he even finished his speech, I was already preparing for the time when I would have to attempt hovering over a large white pail in rough seas. And I actually got to practice this skill more than once. Okay, maybe I wouldn't have had to go quite so often if I'd spent more time holding a fishing pole and less time holding a beer but still, he'd already put the suggestion in my mind. That's why I'm hoping that other airlines don't follow their lead. If you ask me that kind of question before I get on the plane, I'll be squirming in my seat before the safety instructions even start.

October-Breast Cancer Awareness Month

It’s only day five of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I’m already wishing for Halloween. I know that funding breast cancer research and prevention efforts is a good thing and I’ve personally benefited because of it, but I’m going to have my first post-surgery MRI in a few days and I wish everybody would just shut the fuck up about it.

During my last MRI they said I had some abnormal-looking cells but since they were all over both my breasts they decided it probably wasn‘t anything. They did want me to come back in six months instead of a year, though. To me that means either I’ve just got weird-looking boobs or I’m walking around with two big old cancer sacks hanging off my chest. Plus, the procedure itself combines some of the things I hate the most, needles, loud noises and enclosed spaces. So I really don’t want to be aware of breast cancer right now, but I can’t get away from it.

It seems like that insidious pink ribbon is everywhere. I can’t escape with the TV or internet because sooner or later that ribbon pops up. It may just be a little dot at the bottom of the screen, but it’s there. I thought maybe getting out of the house would help, so I went with a friend to the mall yesterday. Oh…My...God ! Pink ribbons in every store window as far as the eye could see. And when I went to the grocery later that day, it was even worse. They were giving away a hideous pink bicycle and they hit me up for a donation at the checkout line.

I thought about whipping out my titty, showing her my scar, and saying, I gave at the office. But I didn’t. I added a buck to my grocery bill and drove home. I haven't gained any profound insights from having cancer, but it has finally freed me up to be myself. I worried so much about other people's feelings that sometimes I would keep silent rather than risk offending them. Now I just think, to hell with it. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Ken Burns Needs Crack

Photo credit: gtrfrkbob from morguefile.com

In a country where ADHD seems to run rampant, I always thought I was just the opposite. Sitting still was never my problem, moving was. Until I try to make it through a Ken Burns documentary. I wanted to like his National Parks miniseries, I really did, but after the first ten minutes or so I was flipping through a magazine, going to the bathroom, getting something to drink, surfing the internet, getting something to eat and before I knew it the credits were rolling on the first night and I’d seen a couple of really pretty pictures and that was about it. I stuck it out for two more nights and finally gave up.

I’ve been trying to make it through a Ken Burns series since The Civil War aired, but until now, I’m not sure I ever even made it through the first hour. It doesn’t seem to make sense. I’m a huge documentary fan and I love the national parks, why was that not the best show ever? Then I started thinking about the kind of documentaries I like. And my favorites are usually ones like Crumb or Harlan County USA, where you really get a glimpse inside people’s lives. Still photos and a droning narrator don’t cut it for me. If you’re going to get that close to a history book then I’d rather you just print it up and let me read it at my leisure.

Wisconsin Death Trip, a tale of rampant murder and madness in a small town in the 1890s, is more my style of historical documentary. It includes a lot of still footage and newspaper accounts but they’re of the trashy, gossipy kind that I enjoy. I know Ken Burns has a very quiet, understated style but would it kill him to add in a little melodramatic music? Maybe a few grizzly bear attacks? Something that would hold my attention for more than a few seconds at a time?! I was hoping to experience the wonders of the national parks and instead I felt like I was back in 5th grade history class.

The Unknown Liberal

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Adopt a Liberal is a Liberty Counsel Prayer-In-Action Program whose slogan is “Helping Restore Poor Leaders to Right Thinking”. They provide a handy list of politicians to pray for including everyone from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Olympia Snowe. Even the former governor of my adopted state of Arizona, Janet Napolitano, made the list partly because she refused to retract her report about the dangers of right-wing extremists.

They want you to adopt a liberal who is in authority for regular, intense prayer but I think that’s simply unchristian. What about all the regular Joe Six-Pack liberals like me? Don’t we deserve a little prayer too? I know I’ve only been doing this blog for a little over a month but I hope I’ve proven what a Christian-hating, commie-loving, baby-killing, fag hag liberal redneck I really am. And I’m asking for your vote for The Unknown Liberal. Nominations are now being accepted at liberty@LC.org I appreciate your support.