Fly The Friendly Skies

“Soft talk about engagement, closing Gitmo, these things are not going to appease the terrorists,” he said. “They’re going to keep coming after us, and we can’t have politics as usual in Washington, and I’m afraid that’s what we’ve got right now with airport security.” Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.)

When I saw this quote in a Politico article this morning it once again made me wonder how South Carolina can so consistently elect such a bunch of dumbasses into office. Yes, Senator DeMint, I totally agree, we can’t have politics as usual in Washington and that’s definitely what we have right now with airport security. If you hadn’t been playing politics as usual by holding up the appointment of Erroll Southers to head the Transportation Safety Administration maybe we could’ve had a better screening system in place that would’ve acted on the intelligence that we already had on the underwear bomber.

Unfortunately we’ll never know because you chose to block the current administration from getting a leader in place who could examine the effectiveness of the security measures enacted by the Republicans because Southers might let TSA employees unionize. Call me crazy but I’ll take employees who are adequately compensated and subsequently might actually give a damn about doing a decent job over people hired on the cheap that are constantly in fear of losing their position to someone willing to take 50 cents an hour less.

DeMint says he’s worried that union bosses could delay or veto security measures but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Acting quickly without thinking things through got us an asinine color-coded alert system that no one pays any attention to, a ban on adequately-sized toiletries and an obsession with making all passengers go barefoot through the security line. None of these swift actions has improved our security in any way that I can see. Janet Napolitano’s initial reaction to the crisis didn’t do anything to make me feel that the Democrats will handle future terrorist attacks any better than their predecessors but the least Senator DeMint can do is shut up, get out of the way and let the Obama administration make their own mistakes.

What are the Aughts?

Most of my life can be categorized by the decade. The seventies were my childhood, the eighties, high school and college and the nineties were the married/fat years. I’m still not sure how to describe the aughts though, or if I should even be calling this decade the aughts at all. I do think it sounds better than the zeroes or the 00s and since no one’s come up with anything better I guess that’s what I’ll use. I’m leaning towards the hermit/born-again virgin years but we’ll probably be into the teens before I’ll have enough distance to really know for sure.

The first 3 ½ years of my life were actually in the sixties, I got married in 89, and my divorce wasn’t final until early 2002 but for the most part the ten year cycle holds true. I became a woman in the Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret kind of way in the summer of 79 so I guess that was the official end of childhood for me. December of 88 was the terminus for the eighties. I graduated from college a semester late because I went temporarily insane one spring and dropped out to become a farmer’s wife in Mississippi. I was devastated at the time because the day we were planning on telling my parents he went to a friend’s house to take a shower and never came back, but in retrospect I can only think, Jesus Christ, I really dodged a bullet on that one.

Unfortunately I did drink the Kool-Aid in 89 and it was 12 ½ long years before I was able to extricate myself from that mess. I consider the end of the married/fat years to be a few weeks after September 11, 2001. Brent knew I was contemplating divorce because WWBD (What Would Brent Do) had always been the motto for our marriage and that early fall evening was supposed to be his attempt to prove to me that he could think about someone other than himself. We went to a bar down the street to hear a couple of my favorite bands but we never made it past the first set. He got shit-faced drunk, acted like a complete jerk in front of his boss and I ended up dragging his 275 pound ass all the way home. He fell when we got to the front porch and I totally lost it. My body ached all over and my hair was wringing wet so I threw open the door and screamed, “Crawl!” And he did.

That’s when I knew my marriage was really over. I didn’t want to be that person any more. I guess the Aughts were when I finally went back to being myself. The whole cancer scare makes me think that 2009 is the end of this phase of my life. It’s kind of like when I was on a family vacation at the beach and got stung by a jellyfish. I still had a day or two left at the ocean but my swimming time was over. Most people want to go back to their younger days but I’m actually happier now than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t know what the next ten years holds in store for me but I'm hoping that my life continues like a fine wine. The more I age, the better I get to be.

The Douche Bag Movement

I used to be proud of voting for Obama but now the vote I’m proudest of casting is for my Representative, Raul Grijalva. He sent a letter to the president Friday as a co-chair of the Progressive Caucus asking to sit down and discuss his commitment to a public option. Progressives were the people who elected Obama in the first place and he’s been shitting on them from day one. That Grijalva, an Obama supporter, is demanding to at least be given as much consideration as Olympia Snowe gives me hope that maybe other Democrats will grow a set of balls and say hey, we’re in the majority, let’s do this thing right or don’t do it at all.

I’ve kept quiet while Obama sucked up to the banking industry, kowtowed to the generals and blew off the gays and lesbians, but health care reform is something near and dear to my heart. That Joe Lieberman is able to hijack the entire country just by threatening to throw a hissy fit is more than I can take. I thought the tea bag movement was bad but Lieberman’s douche bag movement of one is a new low in the history of politics. He’s suddenly against many of the things he supported in the past and the only reason I can see for his sudden change of heart is that he’s pissed because the Democrats from his own state don’t like him. Now Obama is ready to literally teabag Lieberman just to pass some half-assed bill that doesn’t do shit so he can say he got healthcare reform enacted in his first year.

Obama talks the talk but so far, he doesn’t walk the walk. I can understand not wanting to be too radical your first year in office but Jesus Christ, the majority of the nation supports a public option. What part of that do you not understand? The health care system in America is in need of a heart and lung transplant and Obama’s down to proposing some Botox and a little liposuction. I didn’t think it was possible but it’s looking like the Democrats may succeed in passing a health care bill that’s even more fucked up than what we have now. If they don’t start acting on the change they promised in the last election soon, I’m afraid the next change we’ll see is Palin in 2012.

I’m A Pig…Get Me Out Of Here!

Photo credit: luisrock62 from morguefile.com
Two contestants from the British reality show, I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! are being charged with animal cruelty because they killed and ate a rat in order to get more energy for the challenges ahead. WTF?!?! Millions of pigs are slaughtered in Australia every year for food and the government is worried about one rat? Don’t they sell those big rat traps Down Under too? I don’t think the Australian Rat is considered an endangered species so what’s the big deal. I’ll admit it’s not big game but how is this any different from hunting rabbits or deer? Is it just because they filmed it?

60 Minutes also aired a segment on hog factory farms in Australia a few weeks back but I have yet to hear of any animal cruelty charges being filed against these businesses. If I were to be reincarnated as an animal, I’d take the rat’s life any time. He spent almost his entire existence running free, doing whatever it is that rats do, until one day he was grabbed up into the sky, had his throat slit, and was gone in a matter of minutes. Contrast that with the factory-farmed hog who spends his entire life crammed into a small enclosure with hundreds of other pigs and endures painful procedures such as having his tail cut off and his teeth ground down without anesthetic until it’s time for him to be zapped with a stun gun, hung on a hook and left to bleed to death after having his throat slit.

As a committed meat eater I’m seriously considering the options I have to stop supporting the existence of factory farms. If I still lived in Kentucky I could probably get some venison from family members who like to hunt but here in Arizona paying premium prices for humanely-raised livestock seems to be my only option. Since my income qualifies me for the lower end of middle class, meat will have to be a treat rather than an every meal staple. I’ve decided that this will be my New Year’s resolution for 2010 because I can’t fall back on the hot dog excuse anymore. I just don’t want to know isn’t going to cut it because I already know too much.

Weighing In On Airlines

In fairness to the guy in this picture, I’m 5’3” and 125 pounds and even I fit pretty snugly in today’s airline seats. It’s ironic that as Americans expand, the seats contract. But everything about airline travel has contracted in the last few years. From checked baggage fees to paying $10 for a lousy sandwich and a tiny bag of chips, the saying nothing in life is free is never more true than when you enter that alternative universe known as the airport. I remember watching one of those airline reality shows where they made some man checking in go to a special room downstairs to make sure he could actually fit in one seat so he didn’t have to pay double the fare. I’m not sure how this aisle-blocking guy slipped by unnoticed.

Actually, I’m all for pegging the ticket price to how much weight you add to the flight. Not only do I weigh less than most other passengers but I pack lighter too. While my mom and sister are always shifting sweaters between bags to sneak by under the 50 pound limit, even for a week-long trip I can make it well under 20 pounds. And for carry-on luggage I usually bring my circa 1984 book bag that contains a couple of paperbacks, keys, cell phone, cigarettes and gum. It adds maybe a couple of pounds tops and easily fits underneath the seat in front of me. I also think there should be a special express ticket so people who don’t use the overhead bins can get off the plane first.

My Christmas trip home this year will be my first since quitting smoking but on previous trips the nicotine deprivation has sent me dangerously close to the edge. I don’t think those parents who were leisurely unpacking their strollers and diaper bags when we landed realized how close the small woman two rows back came to snapping their whiny little kid’s neck. I only get two week of vacation/sick/personal time a year so I’m hoping to avoid last year’s fiasco where I wasted one of my precious days off overnighting at the Chicago airport. The news the next day said they provided cots but I never saw any while I tried to doze off on a hard vinyl-covered chair. I paid extra to go through Dallas this year so if they happen to have a freak snowstorm this holiday season and you’re stuck in the airport, please be kind to your fellow travelers. Beneath the placid exterior, you never know which ones may be ready to snap.

Roll Out The Barrel

I wasn’t able to watch the University of Kentucky vs. University of Tennessee football game last night but as a long time fan I knew better than to get my hopes up when I checked the score on the internet this morning. 30-24 in overtime. And the losing streak continues. November 24, 1984 still stands as the last time Kentucky beat Tennessee in football. It’s hard to believe that my first semester at UK was the last time the Wildcats came out on top in this rivalry. Nothing makes you feel old like realizing that none of the players in the latest game were even born when I set off for college.

Back then I couldn’t check the internet for news of the win because no such thing existed. I brought a pica electric typewriter with correction ribbon that my mom won as a sales prize from Avon to write my papers on. The typewriter, a hot pot, a small cassette player and my box of tapes were pretty much all I needed in my 4th floor walk-up dorm room with no air conditioning. Well, that and my cigarettes. That’s when there were still ashtrays outside of every classroom and some teachers even let you smoke during class. And the tradition of the winners of the UK-UT football game taking home the beer barrel still hadn’t been sacrificed on the altar of political correctness.

I realize that now is the age of alcohol-free campuses but beer was what college was all about for me in 1984. I may’ve been a dyed in the wool GDI but I was hitting the frat houses every Thursday through Saturday night for the free beer being offered to any female who walked through the door. My dad’s also a UK alumni and one of the few stories he ever told me about his college days had to do with the game against Tennessee his freshman year in 1958. That was the first time that UK’s president didn’t let the students have a day off when Kentucky beat Tennessee so my dad joined the resulting protest march through campus. I guess it just shows that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Whether it was 1958 or 1984, we had to fight… for our right… to pa-a-arty.

Wal-Mart Camping

I’d like to say that I avoid shopping at Wal-Mart for some high-minded reason like they killed small town main streets or their use of child labor or the shitty way they treat their employees but really, I just can’t stand crowds. That’s why it amazes me that this year Wal-Mart is going to stay open on Thanksgiving Day and allow customers to camp out next to their desired items and I’m sure there will be thousands of people across the country who will take them up on the offer.

It reminds me of a documentary I rented a few years back called “This Is Nowhere”. The movie told the story of RVers who use their Wal-Mart atlas to locate stores across the country where they can camp, ensuring that they never have to leave the concrete jungle and see anything besides the same strip malls and fast food restaurants they left behind. Isn’t the whole purpose of camping to get away from the crowds and back to nature? But I realize what they’ll be doing on Thanksgiving is more closely related to camping out for Springsteen tickets than pitching a tent in Yellowstone.

And I’m sure they’re doing this promotion for the same reason that arenas banned festival seating after 11 people died at the Who concert in Cincinnati in 1979. No one wants to see a repeat of the lethal stampede last year that killed a Wal-Mart employee and sent a pregnant woman to the hospital. Hopefully, the campout idea will dial back the violence to the shoving, punching and hair-pulling of earlier days but in a country where almost 17% of children go hungry and 45,000 people die every year because of lack of health insurance, should making sure you get the best deal on that Barbie Power Wheels Ride-On really be the most important thing this holiday season?

Just Plain Folks

When Sarah Palin spoke to the Republican National Convention last year I have to admit that I kind of liked her. I didn’t agree with her right wing stance but since I grew up experiencing the prejudice that exists against people in the flyover part of the country, it was refreshing to see someone on the national stage being proud of their rural roots. Unfortunately, the beauty was only skin deep. Once she did the interview with Katie Couric and was unable to answer even the most basic questions, I knew there was nothing behind the pretty facade.

I haven’t read “Going Rogue” yet but I did get home in time to watch most of the Oprah interview and I’ve seen various excerpts from her book on the internet. From what I’ve read so far, she comes across as a petty, vindictive woman who is totally ignorant of anything outside of her own insular world and is proud of it. I wanted her to prove the stereotypes wrong and instead she’s just fed into them. From throwing a tantrum and quitting her position as governor of Alaska because people in her own party dared to criticize her to resorting to juvenile name-calling like referring to Andree McLeod, a Republican watchdog from Anchorage, as the falafel lady and dismissing Katie Couric, an award-winning journalist, as the perky one with low self esteem, she’s proven herself to be totally unfit to occupy any elected office, much less the presidency.

I was amused when I saw on newsmax.com that Sarah Palin didn’t rule out a Palin/Glenn Beck ticket in 2012. In the last few months Beck has been compared to the Lonesome Rhodes character in the movie “A Face in the Crowd” and every time Sarah Palin speaks there’s a line from a song in that film that runs through my mind, pork chop eating, Sunday go to meeting, just plain folks. That seems to be Sarah Palin’s appeal in a nutshell and there's nothing wrong with that but to be president, I expect a little more.

Gay Marriage and Religion: Love vs. Hate

Photo credit: edouardo from morguefile.com
Maybe the idea is a little too close to the Jesus Freaks of the sixties, but what ever happened to God is love? Just as the Republican party has been taken over by hate-spewing extremists, organized religion seems to be spawning a lot of vicious vitriol as well. Unfortunately, religious nuts haven’t stopped with talk. Look at the slaying of 13 soldiers at Fort Hood, the murder of Dr. Tiller in Kansas and the Tony Alamo child rape case. Some of the most heinous crimes of the last few months have been committed in the name of God.

The Phelps family took a break from protesting at the funerals of war heroes the other day so they could bring their own special message of God’s vengeneance to the school that President Obama’s daughters attend. Christians who are jumping at the chance to condemn all Muslims because of the actions of Nidal Malik Hasan should consider whether or not they want to be judged by the likes of Reverend Phelps and Tony Alamo. The really sad thing is that even though most people don’t agree with Reverend Phelps’ tactics, the vast majority of the world’s religions do condemn homosexuality.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington announced the other day that they won’t be able to continue the social service programs they run in the District if it doesn’t change a proposed same-sex marriage law. Really?!? You’d rather punish the poor and homeless in Washington D.C. than let two consenting adults publicly acknowledge their love? Religions try to claim that people can't really be moral unless they have God in their lives. It seems like just the opposite to me. I'm seeing the hate but I'm not feeling the love.

Help! My Vagina’s Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!

Did anybody else see the story on Huffington Post today about the woman whose vagina fell out? As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, now I have to be on the lookout in case my innie becomes an outie?! This is just one more reason why the Democrats in the Senate need to get off their asses and get some meaningful healthcare reform passed stat. By God, if even one woman goes to the doctor with her shit hanging out and is told to go home and tuck it back in because they don’t have the money for an operation then I’m giving up all hope. We really are just a nation full of greedy, selfish pricks.

And the biggest greedy, selfish prick of all is that douche bag senator from Connecticut, Joe Lieberman. He’s willing to participate in a GOP filibuster before he’ll allow the rest of the country to share in the same kind of government run insurance that he’s entitled to as a member of the United States Senate. I’m sure it’s purely a matter of principle though. The vast sums of money that insurance companies have contributed to his campaigns have nothing to do with it. The fact that the Democrats still try to placate this traitor is amazing. This is where I have to give the Republicans credit. If you turn on them they’ll cut you down in a heartbeat.

When I saw all those representatives cheering and talking about what an historic moment it was when healthcare reform passed in the House I wanted to believe, I really did. But realistically, I know it’s not going to mean shit. The Senate's going to twist and turn it until all that will be left is a pathetic, mealy-mouthed shadow of the already watered-down version that came out of the House. If anything passes at all. The thing that really drives me insane is the Orwellian double speak that's been a part of this debate from the start. Republicans say they're worried about the expense so they propose not cracking down on the insurance monopolies and not offering a public option to force them to lower their rates. What the fuck?!? I think I felt my vagina slip a little just thinking about it.

What’s In a Name?

The yearly ritual of Christians getting their panties in a wad because the government would dare to call a Christmas tree a holiday tree instead has begun. I fail to understand what the controversy is all about. If you want to call it a Christmas tree, wish people a Merry Christmas and send out Christmas cards, nobody’s stopping you. All they’re saying is that not everyone in this country shares your beliefs and it’s un-American for the government to endorse one religion over another. The United States was founded on religious freedom for all. Even if those beliefs don’t coincide with your own. The ironic part is that it was originally a pagan symbol so if we really want to go back to the good old days, why don’t we call it a winter solstice tree?

I think the same totalitarian arrogance that’s behind Christian’s attitudes about holiday celebrations in December also shows in their attitudes towards gay marriage. I get that you think homosexual relations are a sin but the whole world isn’t just like you. By all means, don’t engage in same-sex relationships and it’s well within your rights to pass this dogma on to your children, but other adults don’t have to kowtow to your every whim. Even if gay marriage is legalized nationwide it still won’t affect you or your church in any way. Just because the government recognizes same-sex marriages it doesn’t mean anyone else has to.

I grew up Southern Baptist, a religion founded on the concept that the Bible says that blacks are inferior to whites. They did eventually denounce this creed but it was well into the 20th century before that finally happened. Most Southern Baptist churches still won’t accept that a woman can preach and they consider her to be a helper to her husband, who should rule over her just as God rules over man. The church is still free to hold these assumptions even though the government confers equal rights to women and the same thing should happen for gays. Conservative Christians need to accept the fact that they live in a democracy, not a totalitarian state. You can hold whatever beliefs you wish, it's just not fair to shove them down everyone else's throat.

Ain’t I A Woman?

Angela Montez, the woman who prayed with the robber of the check cashing store she was working at, was on Oprah last Friday. One of the first things she said was that she begged him not to kill her because she had kids and grandkids. Jesus! I’m glad I wasn’t working the window next to her that day. I could just picture her using me as a human shield and screaming, “Shoot her not me! All she’s got is two lousy cats!” Now I know she didn’t mean for her remarks to be offensive but a lot of mothers seem to have that subtle prejudice against childless women, especially if they choose to be that way.

I know that since I possess the right equipment for birthing a baby I’m also supposed to have an innate “maternal” instinct, but mine’s been missing in action for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are of lavishing love and attention on the various stuffed animals that I slept with every night while ignoring the big plastic baby dolls collecting dust on the closet floor. And for all those people who say you can’t really experience love or be a complete woman until you’ve experienced the birth of a child, you can kiss my ass! I care a hell of a lot more about kids than all those so-called “complete” women who end up abusing and neglecting their offspring.

Parenthood is one of the most demanding jobs in existence and just because I’m not temperamentally suited to it doesn’t make me a bad person. I'm not really suited for being a truck driver either but nobody looks down on me because of it. I'd much rather have my tax dollars go for schools and other programs for kids right here at home instead of shipping it overseas to fight not one, but two wars that we never should have started in the first place. The thing is, I really do love kids... For an hour or two. Then it's time to go back home. That's why I made the decision to be a good aunt, not a lousy mother.

It’s Not Your Father’s Bong Water

Am I the only idiot who didn’t know you could smoke crystal meth in a bong? According to a recent Minnesota Supreme Court decision involving a woman whose bong tested positive for methamphetamine, bong water can now be considered a drug because sometimes people keep it to drink or inject later. Drink or inject bong water?!? When I was a kid we smoked pot from a bong and the only way anyone would drink the water was on a dare. Because of my needle phobia, the thought of shooting up anything never even crossed my mind.

My drug experimentation phase went pretty much from the tail end of Quaaludes to the beginning of Crack. I tried the former and missed out on the latter but at least I was familiar with how it was used. I knew I was officially old when I found out what a blunt was from the local paper. I could just picture myself as one of those adults saying, “You kids today, snorting your goddamn blunts.” I smoked marijuana off a can, through a toilet paper roll and even from a homemade chicken claw pipe but smoking it in a cigar was news to me.

And why are we coming up with new drugs to outlaw when we should be decriminalizing some of the ones we already have? Marijuana is arguably less harmful than our current legal recreational drugs, alcohol and cigarettes, but we’re still wasting billions of dollars every prosecuting “criminals” who use the same substance that the last three presidents admit experimenting with in their youth. From what I’ve seen, the biggest drug problem today is the pharmaceutical industry pushing their products on TV and in magazines. Kids don’t have to visit their local dealer anymore. They just open up their parent’s medicine cabinet. And if someone’s so hard up that they’re actually shooting bong water in their veins, I think that’s punishment enough.

The Gospel of Greed

I may have walked away from organized religion but when New Age gurus are mentioned, I run. The fact that three apparently healthy adults have died in the aftermath of a “Spiritual Warrior” sweat lodge ceremony in Sedona this month just reinforces that reaction. The guru in this case was James Arthur Ray, a man who combined prosperity gospel, astrology, numerology and Native American teachings into a multi-million dollar business. They still haven’t released an official cause of death for his victims but I already know what it is… Greed.

If Ray had done even a cursory search of traditional sweat lodge ceremonies then he had to have been aware that they use natural materials and limit participants to 10 or 12 people tops. This son of a bitch charged almost $10,000 a pop to cram over 60 people under a plastic tarp,. What the fuck?!? You tell me what explanation there is for endangering people’s lives just to save a few bucks on material and personnel other than greed. The subtitle of his best-selling book, Harmonic Wealth, is The Secret of Attracting the Life You Want. I guess the secret is to exploit as many spiritual seekers as possible for your own gain.

I have to admit, I enjoy some New Age games like astrology or numerology but that’s all they are, games. Playing with Tarot cards isn’t that different from Crazy Eights to me. I did take my parents to one of the vortexes in Sedona not long after I moved to Arizona to see if we could feel the spiritual energy. The car door handle shocked the shit out of me and Mom said she was feeling gassy but other than that, it was pretty much a bust. After seeing what happens to people who actually give a shit about these New Age theologies, I'm glad me and my family were just farting around.

This Should Keep Us All Not Thinking

Photo credit: gracey from morguefile.com
The title of the video making the rounds on Facebook and YouTube is This Should Keep Us All Thinking but I think This Should Keep Us All Not Thinking would be more appropriate. Most of the “facts” in this video seemed highly suspect and a two second internet search pulled up numerous articles debunking this urban legend.

http://www.examiner.com/x-7975-Nashville-Adventures-Examiner~y2009m9d2-The-USC-atheist-professor--martyrs-chalk-up-this-truth

It seems some variation of the atheist professor and the brave Christian story has been circulating almost as long as I’ve been alive.

I had a hard enough time believing that any college would have a required course devoted to proving that God doesn’t exist but the fact that this professor had convinced twenty years worth of students by dropping a piece of chalk was too much for me to take. What the hell does breaking chalk prove? With all the fucked up things going on in this world, why would God give a shit about a piece of chalk? This doesn’t sound like impeccable logic to me. But the Christian student doesn’t try to argue. He relies on blind faith and waits for God to prove his existence. And the supposedly intelligent professor agrees with the student that just because the dropped chalk doesn’t break, it must be the hand of God at work.

What this keeps me thinking is that sometimes shit breaks when you drop it and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m not seeing a rational argument for either side in this parable.But that's my problem. I'm actually thinking and that doesn't seem to be something most religions encourage. I'm still open to the possibility that there might be some sort of spiritual world out there, hence the agnostic part of my blog name, but it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a piece of chalk to convince me to worship the cruel, vengeful, bitter God that I've read about in the Bible.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

Photo credit: kconnors from morguefile.com

I’m all for saving the environment, but is that extra ounce of liquid in my bladder really going to make that much difference? Apparently All Nippon Airways thinks so. http://www.mnn.com/transportation/planes-trains-bikes/stories/pee-before-you-fly-policy-reduces-carbon-emissions They are actually going to have ‘loo attendants’ standing by the gate to ask if you have to go one more time before you get on the plane. The theory is that since passengers will weigh less, there will be less carbon emissions. My mom used to do the same thing on our family car trips to Florida, albeit for a different reason.

My dad had an ironclad rule about stopping. It had to be for food, gas or sleep, or some combo of the three. Bathroom breaks were to be taken care of during those times and no other. Well, sorry, but when I was 4 or 5, my bladder was the size of a pea, so at some point during the journey Dad would slam on the brakes, whip the car over to the side of I-65 and then throw open the passenger doors so I could squat in between and pee all over the back of my socks. And if Mom wasn’t always talking about going to the bathroom, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about it.

It was the same way the one time I went deep-sea fishing. The captain showed us all the bucket that we’d have to use if we couldn’t make it the full four hours and before he even finished his speech, I was already preparing for the time when I would have to attempt hovering over a large white pail in rough seas. And I actually got to practice this skill more than once. Okay, maybe I wouldn't have had to go quite so often if I'd spent more time holding a fishing pole and less time holding a beer but still, he'd already put the suggestion in my mind. That's why I'm hoping that other airlines don't follow their lead. If you ask me that kind of question before I get on the plane, I'll be squirming in my seat before the safety instructions even start.

October-Breast Cancer Awareness Month

It’s only day five of Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I’m already wishing for Halloween. I know that funding breast cancer research and prevention efforts is a good thing and I’ve personally benefited because of it, but I’m going to have my first post-surgery MRI in a few days and I wish everybody would just shut the fuck up about it.

During my last MRI they said I had some abnormal-looking cells but since they were all over both my breasts they decided it probably wasn‘t anything. They did want me to come back in six months instead of a year, though. To me that means either I’ve just got weird-looking boobs or I’m walking around with two big old cancer sacks hanging off my chest. Plus, the procedure itself combines some of the things I hate the most, needles, loud noises and enclosed spaces. So I really don’t want to be aware of breast cancer right now, but I can’t get away from it.

It seems like that insidious pink ribbon is everywhere. I can’t escape with the TV or internet because sooner or later that ribbon pops up. It may just be a little dot at the bottom of the screen, but it’s there. I thought maybe getting out of the house would help, so I went with a friend to the mall yesterday. Oh…My...God ! Pink ribbons in every store window as far as the eye could see. And when I went to the grocery later that day, it was even worse. They were giving away a hideous pink bicycle and they hit me up for a donation at the checkout line.

I thought about whipping out my titty, showing her my scar, and saying, I gave at the office. But I didn’t. I added a buck to my grocery bill and drove home. I haven't gained any profound insights from having cancer, but it has finally freed me up to be myself. I worried so much about other people's feelings that sometimes I would keep silent rather than risk offending them. Now I just think, to hell with it. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Ken Burns Needs Crack

Photo credit: gtrfrkbob from morguefile.com

In a country where ADHD seems to run rampant, I always thought I was just the opposite. Sitting still was never my problem, moving was. Until I try to make it through a Ken Burns documentary. I wanted to like his National Parks miniseries, I really did, but after the first ten minutes or so I was flipping through a magazine, going to the bathroom, getting something to drink, surfing the internet, getting something to eat and before I knew it the credits were rolling on the first night and I’d seen a couple of really pretty pictures and that was about it. I stuck it out for two more nights and finally gave up.

I’ve been trying to make it through a Ken Burns series since The Civil War aired, but until now, I’m not sure I ever even made it through the first hour. It doesn’t seem to make sense. I’m a huge documentary fan and I love the national parks, why was that not the best show ever? Then I started thinking about the kind of documentaries I like. And my favorites are usually ones like Crumb or Harlan County USA, where you really get a glimpse inside people’s lives. Still photos and a droning narrator don’t cut it for me. If you’re going to get that close to a history book then I’d rather you just print it up and let me read it at my leisure.

Wisconsin Death Trip, a tale of rampant murder and madness in a small town in the 1890s, is more my style of historical documentary. It includes a lot of still footage and newspaper accounts but they’re of the trashy, gossipy kind that I enjoy. I know Ken Burns has a very quiet, understated style but would it kill him to add in a little melodramatic music? Maybe a few grizzly bear attacks? Something that would hold my attention for more than a few seconds at a time?! I was hoping to experience the wonders of the national parks and instead I felt like I was back in 5th grade history class.

The Unknown Liberal

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Adopt a Liberal is a Liberty Counsel Prayer-In-Action Program whose slogan is “Helping Restore Poor Leaders to Right Thinking”. They provide a handy list of politicians to pray for including everyone from Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to Arnold Schwarzenegger and Olympia Snowe. Even the former governor of my adopted state of Arizona, Janet Napolitano, made the list partly because she refused to retract her report about the dangers of right-wing extremists.

They want you to adopt a liberal who is in authority for regular, intense prayer but I think that’s simply unchristian. What about all the regular Joe Six-Pack liberals like me? Don’t we deserve a little prayer too? I know I’ve only been doing this blog for a little over a month but I hope I’ve proven what a Christian-hating, commie-loving, baby-killing, fag hag liberal redneck I really am. And I’m asking for your vote for The Unknown Liberal. Nominations are now being accepted at liberty@LC.org I appreciate your support.

Journey to Nowhere

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I’ve spent the first forty three years of my life avoiding regular exercise like a germ freak avoids gas station bathrooms but this goddamn cancer fatigue is going to force me to try it. I don’t know if it’s the Tamoxifen or a leftover effect from the radiation or what but everything I’ve read says exercise is the best thing you can do for it. I’ve never set foot in a gym and the thought of driving someplace to sweat in front of a crowd of people just doesn’t appeal to me so I crossed that option off my list first.

I did briefly consider the yoga center at the end of my street because I could walk there, but even as a child I was stiff as a board so I wasn’t sure stretching was the right thing for me either. Then I read that you do yoga barefoot and because of my foot cramps I haven’t been able to go without socks and shoes in months so that was out too. The one exercise I do engage in occasionally is walking but the temperature in Tucson is well above 100 degrees for a good part of the year and that didn’t really seem compatible with my hot flashes, so I finally decided to break down and buy a treadmill. I can use it in the privacy of my own home and watch TV while I’m doing it.

Plus, it will help me get in shape for my next Adventure Bus trip http://www.adventurebus.com/ap_home/index.asp. A lot of people assume because I’m thin and go on a hiking vacation every year that I’m actually into physical fitness. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m not as bad as my ex who used to say that if you couldn’t pull a car up to it, it wasn’t worth seeing, but I don’t really want to feel the burn either. That’s the great thing about Adventure Bus, everybody goes at their own pace so you can hike as much or as little as you want. I do enjoy getting out in the wilderness but for me it’s not about how many miles I go, it’s what I get to see along the way. I keep trying to picture myself looking like the woman above but I'm afraid it’s going to be more like a Dog Whisperer episode where Cesar has to drag the bitch to the treadmill kicking and screaming the whole way.

The Dark Side of the Sixties

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As a budding young liberal it seemed like I’d missed out on the best era in America. Since I wasn’t born until August of 1966, about the only memories I had of the sixties were being pissed off at Kelly Lowe for blowing out the candles on my 3rd birthday cake and being terrified of the paperboy because the lady across the street told me he smoked marijuana and might go crazy one day and attack me. My parents were staunch Nixon supporters so they were no help either. When I was in college I remember being shocked to see a poster of John Lennon with 1940-1980 on the bottom. John Lennon and my dad were the same age?!? I couldn’t even imagine it. Instead of being one of those Woodstock babies, I only missed being born at the Grand Ole Opry by a couple of weeks.

Living without any rules or boundaries sounded great to me as a kid, but that’s only because I was lucky enough to have them. Mackenzie Phillips is just the latest in a long line of children from the sixties who struggled as an adult because she didn’t. Like John Phillips, Robert Downey Jr’s dad thought it was fine to treat his young son as an equal and let him take part in drug and alcohol use. And it’s only in the last few years that he’s finally managed to heal from the damage that did. Sadly, River Phoenix lost his struggle to come to terms with his past. In the interviews I’ve seen, he seems to downplay the effect that losing his virginity in the Children of God cult at age four had on him, but you can’t tell me that the pain that caused didn’t at least play a part in his overdose.

Mackenzie Phillips seems to be starting to come to terms with what happened to her but in one aspect I agree with her stepmother, Michelle Phillips. If she thinks any part of that relationship was consensual, she does belong on a psychiatrist’s couch. I understand Michelle Phillips’ disgust because who would want to admit, even to themselves, that they had a relationship with someone who could commit incest. But blaming the victim doesn’t help. I know some people think she’s only saying these things to sell her book but if that was so, why would she have told her youngest sister, Bijou, about it years ago?

It’s kind of ironic that the same week we found out all these disturbing revelations about one of the most beloved singer/songwriters of the sixties, one of the most reviled figures of the era died as well. I'm in no way excusing Susan Atkins' crimes but good God, the woman had one leg and was dying of brain cancer, how much of a threat to society could she really have been by that point? Why are we so vengeful that we can't even show a little mercy to a killer who wasn't much more than a kid herself when it happened and had been brainwashed by a maniacal cult leader? I remember watching Helter Skelter in elementary school and being terrified at the ending when they said they would be eligible for parole in 1979. Now it just seems sad that 30 years later, we still can't let it go.

The Khadafi-Palin Cabal

A new study from Public Policy Polling finds that 42 percent of Republicans believe that President Obama was not born in the United States, while 22 percent still remain uncertain of his birthplace origin. On the flip side, the poll also finds that 25 percent of Democrats believe that George W. Bush intentionally allowed the September 11th attacks to occur to serve as a catalyst for a war in the Middle East.Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/24/birther-poll-42-percent-o_n_298456.html

When I saw these statistics on Huffingtonpost I thought, has the world gone insane?!? I used to think it was funny to listen people spout off their crazy conspiracy theories but after I lost my brother to late onset paranoid schizophrenia, I haven’t been laughing. There is not a shred of evidence supporting either one of these slanderous accusations and if you lend any credence to them whatsoever then you might as well accept my brother’s theory that I’m a government clone out to get him.

But that being said, I noticed a lot of strange coincidences when I was watching the Rachel Maddow show last night. Sarah Palin and Moamar Khadifi both made long-winded, rambling speeches that audience members walked out on in disgust. They’re also both from oil-rich regions and they bad-mouthed America. When you add in the numerology piece, it’s obvious that they’re after nothing less than the overthrow of the U.S. government.

Sure, Khadifi kept calling Obama his son but that was only a ruse to actually turn us against him and towards the radical right. And Palin still harping on the death panels? That’s because it’s really a part of the hidden Republican agenda. Only the unborn will be sacred in the Palin/Khadafi regime. And did you notice that Palin was making her first speech since her resignation in Asia? China will be turning us into slaves until December 21, 2012 when during the Apocalypse Kirk Cameron will come down and lift us up into heaven. Unfortunately, I won't be here to see it. Clones are scheduled to be exterminated in 2011.

We Don't Need No Education

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After reading the following article http://www.kentucky.com/latest_news/story/946537.html
about a Kentucky teacher who showed the film “Fitna” to his class on 9/11, I think I’m now officially old. Back in the eighties when I was in high school, a teacher got fired for letting her students watch Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”, which is basically a 90 minute music video for stoners, on a non-instructional day. http://www.pinkfloyd-co.com/band/interviews/art-rev/art-wallcase.html. In 2009 a teacher is able to show a gruesome, hate-filled 15 minute piece of propaganda and get a slap on the wrist.

I watched “Fitna” on YouTube and it’s kind of like “Faces of Death” with a xenophobic message tacked on the end. It actually says that just like we defeated Nazism and Communism, we have to defeat Islam. But Islam is one of the world’s major religions and the other two are failed political parties. Making people hate an entire religion sounds a lot like holocaust talk to me. Yes, by all means, work on defeating the radical Islamic terrorists but don’t lump every Muslim in the world in with that bunch. Most Christians don’t want to be associated with the hate of people like abortion doctor murderers or Reverend Phelps and his God Hates Fags campaign, so why would they want to judge Islam by its most radical faction?

The teacher said in his defense that he wanted to generate a discussion about the dangers of extremism but since the complaining student said the film made her hate Muslims, I don’t think he mentioned the extremism of the makers of “Fitna”. Along with the hate, she also got nightmares from seeing a beheading, an execution, bombings, blood, dead bodies and worst of all, discussing female genital mutilation with her high school teacher. When I was in junior high, the rumor was that an office girl at T.K. Stone middle school in E-Town got suspended for playing "We Don't Need No Education" over the intercom system. Ah, those were the good old days.

Pottersville

It won’t be long until families will be gathering together in front of the TV to watch the Christmas classic “It’s a Wonderful Life”. The irony is that most of them won’t realize that by the anti-Obama, tea bagger logic that a lot of hard-core Christian conservatives subscribe to, George Bailey is a dirty commie bastard. What could be more socialistic than using the Bailey Building & Loan Association not to maximize profits and support the free market but to share the wealth with the whole community? Pottersville would be the real utopia for these people, not Bedford Falls.

I watched the documentary “Which Way Home” on HBO a few weeks ago and it struck me how misinformed these illegal immigrant children are about the realities of America today. Kevin, a 14 year old Honduran boy wanted nothing more than to be adopted by some caring couple in the United States. Yeah, dream on kid, you obviously haven’t watched Lou Dobbs lately. We’d rather try you as an adult and throw you in prison than invite you into our homes. That’s the compassionate side of America today, a country that locks up more of its own citizens than any other place in the world.

To me, Crystal Lee Sutton, the real life “Norma Rae”, who died last week is the most representative of George Bailey ethics. She spent her whole life fighting for the working poor against powerful corporate interests but unlike “It’s a Wonderful Life“, her story didn’t have a happy ending. After her insurance company refused to pay for possibly life-saving medications, she ended up dying of brain cancer. In America today an angel doesn’t get his wings every time a bell rings, an insurance executive gets his bonus instead.

I'm Shocked!

When Republicans first started going after ACORN because of false voter registrations, I considered it pretty much a non-issue. Okay, so some employees padded their voter registration counts to make a little extra money. It’s not like Elvis Presley actually showed up to vote. The current charges are a lot more serious and I was somewhat skeptical of ACORN’s claims that the videos were deceptive and dubbed over until I viewed the clip above. Fox News said the clips were vetted editorially before they were aired but how much vetting could they be doing when they didn’t even take the time to verify that someone died?

Now I’m wondering if all the ACORN employees in these videos just thought they were being “Punk’d.” I mean, I’ll admit, I’m not the most street savvy person in the world but even I would have a hard time believing that some kid in a Huggy Bear outfit who looks like he just finished up his Mormon mission was actually coming in to ask about running an underage prostitution ring to finance a future political race. There may really be something to this story but somebody besides Fox News needs to do the investigation.

I’m all for finding out the real facts in this case just like I think someone should’ve dug up the real facts on the George W. Bush National Guard story. CBS was willing to back off the whole thing and throw Dan Rather under the bus because of one badly forged document and that‘s one thing I‘ll give Fox credit for. You can bet your ass they’ll keep beating this story like a dead horse and they damn sure won’t be giving Glenn Beck the boot.

Don't Drink the Kool-Aid

People were up in arms about Obama telling their kids to work hard and stay in school but I haven’t heard a peep about this case in Kentucky where a football coach took about 20 players to a revival at his church and almost half were baptized. The woman who’s suing thought her son was going to see a motivational speaker and get a free steak dinner. My guess is that if the coach had been a Muslim and almost half the players joined his mosque, things would’ve gotten ugly pretty fast.

The school superintendent (a fellow church member) tried to play it off by saying it was a voluntary activity but one of the students commented that the coach said it would bring the team together. To me, that sounds like if you’re a team player, you’ll hop on the bus and get right with God. And almost half of them did. The article doesn’t say how many of the others had already been baptized, but I’m thinking it was quite a few.

I know from my own experience growing up Southern Baptist that the pressure to walk the aisle starts early. My friend Jo was the first to get dunked in 2nd grade and everybody seemed to go like dominos after that. At 9 years of age I found myself being the only one in my Sunday School class who hadn’t accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior. It was an old-time, hellfire and brimstone preacher who was filling in that finally got me to walk to the front of that church. I wasn’t sure whether I believed in God or not but I didn’t want to burn in the pits of hell either.

And even without the scare tactics, a revival is very alluring. The whole purpose is to get as many people as you can to either dedicate or rededicate their lives to Christ. People are singing and crying and laughing and hugging and the pressure to conform and become a part of the group becomes enormous. Well, for most people it's appealing. To me it's just terrifying. I couldn't think of a worse way to try and lure an introvert into your church. But these were team players who wanted to please their coach. And he took advantage of that.

I think it's time for these arrogant assholes to realize that we live in a democracy not a theocracy. Just in my small circle of acquaintances, I know Agnostics and Atheists and Buddhists and Jews and Catholics. And I think they would be horrified if a public school teacher took their children to be baptized in a different faith. The one thing that people like this coach can't seem to understand is that freedom of religion also includes freedom from religion as well.